Dei's Da Pimp
by Psycho's 'R' Us
Summary: A bunch of random oneshots featuring Deidara on dates with almost every kunochi in the series. Rate M for random, maybe some lemon later, use of vulgar language.Need help in the choosing Dei's nexk kunochi department!
1. DeiXSaku

DeidaraXNearly Every Other Female Character

A.N: This is just a load of random one shots, all with Deidara paired with a different kunochi each time. Flames are allowed, if they are genuine and will help me out in some way.

**DeiXSaku**

**Deidara randomly sat on a footstool, inwardly wondering why on earth he'd agreed to this **(-Because I is da writer Dei, and I said so!-)**. He wondered which of the many random kunochi he had yet to meet was going to come first. **

**He nearly did a double take as the pink haired medic nin walked through the door. She smirked and twiddled with a peice of her hair. Deidara stood up, fuming. **

**'OH MY FUCKING GOD, UN!!! YOU KILLED SASORI-DANNA!!!' Deidara instantly threw the chair at her. **

**'Oh God! He's crazy! Get me out of here!' Sakura turned around and began to bang helplessly on the door. 'HE NEEDS TO GO TO THE LOONY BIN!!!'**

**Deidara was making a random bomb in the shape of Sasori, he threw the thing at her and it exploded, making a huge whole in the wall and sending her out of it. **

**'DIE, STUPID WHORE, YEA!!!' Deidara yelled after her. **


	2. DeiXHina

**DeiXHina**

****

**A.N: This ones funnier and better than the DeiXSaku one lol.**

**Reviews please!**

**Deidara sat shaking, still freaked from his last date. He was waiting outside a random persons house for the latest date. He was expecting some another Sakura-bitch lookalike, with a matching persona. He'd brought his headphones along in case this person was chatty and spoke too much. **

**What he did get, he wasn't expecting. **

**A shy looking, dark haired girl tip-toed out of the house in front of Deidara. Deidara didn't even glance at her, not even taking in the fact she was there. He felt someone tap him gently and he looked at her. 'Yea?'**

**Hinata pointed her fingers together awkwardly and looked at the ground, flushing bright red. 'A-are you here for the d-da-' She paused mid sentence and looked up at Deidara. 'Aw, what the heck! The stammering, shy and innocent look is SO last year!' **

**And with that, Hinata grabbed Deidara's arm and dragged the ill looking criminal into her house.**

**-**

**Hours later, Neji walked in on his cousin asleep. Poor Deidara was chained to her bed, nosebleeding and his eyes wide. Hinata was sprawled out on his nude body, also naked, her saliva dripping from her mouth onto his stomach. She awoke when she heard Neji come in. **

**'Hinata, what the-' He began.**

**'Fuck off, man-bitch. This guys **_**mine**_**. I know your gay and everything, but don't touch what you can't afford, off-branch boy!' She hissed, sitting right on top of Deidara and pouting. **

**Neji sighed and closed the door, grimacing as he heard Deidara's voice muttering as Hinata tried to "go down on him" again. 'It was fate she'd turn out going for the more feminine men. And shagging them in the main branch.' Neji tutted under his breath. 'Uncle Hiashi won't be happy.'**

**He noticed his other cousin Hanabi walking along the hallway. Neji stopped her, holding his arm out in front of her. 'Hey Hanabi-sama, I bet you wouldn't dare tell your daddy about this big secret Hinata's got!' He said with a smirk. **

**Hanabi had her head cocked on one side after hearing the strange noises emitting from her older sisters bedroom. She looked up at the sound of a challenge. 'Oh really?' **


	3. DeiXIno

**DeiXIno**

**Deidara was still intensly traumatised from his last date. It had taken nearly three days for Hinata to let him go, and she still tatooed his ass to make sure he never forgot her. **

**He doubted he ever would, whenever he looked at the ink permamently stained into his backside. It couldn't really get any worse than some fake-innocent, sex crazed heiress with a gay brother, could it?**

**Thats why he made sure he's got some detail on his next date. All he'd been told was that he might be a little shocked at the appearance of her. **

**It couldn't be that bad, surely. If she had a big nose or a wart, or even a bald patch or one boob, he was only going to see her once. And the likleyhood of her making her mark on Deidara like Hinata had wasn't that likley, really. **

**He glanced across the road in bordem. Then he noticed something stranger. He wondered if it was witchcraft, because he suddenly saw his exact duplicate.**

**But **_**female**_

**He suddenly knew what the information he'd been given was all about.**

**-**

**Ino marched across the road, not taking any notice of the cars that were rushing past. It didn't matter, they stopped anyway.**

**She pressed a finger to his chest and licked her lips. 'You look a lot like me,' she said, eyeing up and down. 'Thats hot!'**

**'Err...' Deidara was a little lost for words. **

**'So, where are we going to eat? I was thinking some really posh uptown sushi restaraunt, hm?'**

**'I...' Deidara thought about how much money he had. Not enough to buy two people sushi at somewhere expensive. **

**'Or, we can just go straight to your place, if you catch my drift, and you can show me what miraculous works you can perform on me with all those tongues...'**

**Deidara thought of what had happened so previously. 'Well...' He suddenly had an inspiration. 'I actually thought we **_**could **_**go to my place, and I could show you some of my artwork, un!'**

**Ino's eyebrows knitted together in frustration. She pushed Deidara away. 'Saddo. I'm gonna make you feel so embarrassed now...'**

**Ino looked around. She pretended to walk away and trip over her heel, grabbing Deidara's arm and dragging him down as well. He landed with a thud on top of her. Ino smirked, a quick, flitter of a smirk, before screaming. **

**'OH MY GOD!!! RAPE!!!' She yelled, loud enough for people all the way over in Jersey to hear. People turned around and stared. Deidara went bright red, struggling to stand up. Ino held him down. 'Just go along with it! Mind body switch no justu!' **

**Deidara felt something very strange then, like his mind was being pushed to one side of his brain. Then someone dived in and shared it with him. **

**'Now, i'm gonna make you have sex with me if its the last thing I do!' Came his own voice. Only it wasn't him talking, it was Ino. He grabbed lifeless Ino's legs and hauled her over his shoulder, running back to his house. **

**'OH MY GOD, UN!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY BODY!!!' He yelled. **

**'Just be quiet and let me do everything!' Ino said. People stared at the strange sight before them. Deidara looked as if he were talking to himself. **

**'No, because your going to do everything with MY BODY, YEA!!!'**

**Ino's body was thrown onto Deidara's bed, and Ino started to undo Deidara's trousers. **

**'STOP STOP STOP!!! Only one person has authorised herself to go down there!' Deidara shouted before thinking. He remembered the tattoo on his ass. **

**'WHAT!' **

**Ino made Deidara slap himself repeatedly after seeing the tattoo on his ass. 'I thought I was in for some good sex as well!' She yelled, making a handsign and zipping back into her own body. Deidara shivered. **

**'PISS OFF, YOU FREAKIN PSYCHO, UN!!!' He screeched, a Hidan shaped clay bomb hurling towards Ino. Ino screamed as the Hidan bomb came to life and chased Ino out of his house. **

**'FUCKING BITCH, GO FUCKING FUCK SOME OTHER FUCKER!' The mini Hidan screamed before it blew up. **

**Deidara sat down, shaking in fear, not sure weather or not to quit this ass wiping blind dating thing altogether. **


	4. DeiXTen

**DeiXTen**

**Tenten twirled a kunai around her finger, glaring at Deidara. **

**'Did you not agree to do this too, un?' Deidara asked her. They both stood as far away opposite each other as possible. Tenten nodded. **

**'Shouldn't we like, **_**do **_**something?' Tenten asked. **

**Deidara inwardly sweatdropped. If she was another sex mad psycho, he would have to go and kill himself. **

**'Like what?' He dreaded the answer. **

**'I dunno. Like train, or eat ramen or something?'**

**Deidara sighed in relief. 'Wow, thank God your normal, yea!' With that he jumped on her and snogged her face off. **

**Tenten sat still as a stone until he retreated, smiling goofily. **

**She was about to yell at him for doing that, until she noticed how much better her lipgloss looked on him...**


	5. DeiXTema

**DeiXTema**

**Deidara rubbed his head in frustration. Having relations with all these women a few years younger than him was starting to get weird. He felt like he was cradle snatching. **

**He'd put this into words, hoping he'd get someone nearer his own age.**

**...And he'd had to go all the way to **_**Suna **_**to get her. **

**Bearing in mind, he wasn't in Suna's good books, after abducting the kazekage and causing havoc and trying to blow up the village. **

**But, maybe they would be okay with it. Deidara sweatdropped as he knew it was unlikley. **

**-**

**He didn't have to go further than Suna's borders, he noticed, as he saw the black and red clad, fan weilding kunochi waiting by the gates. Deidara quickly pulled out a book he'd bought earlier. **

**"Jiraya's tips and chat-up-lines" was what it read on the title. Deidara shrugged and opened it. **

**As Temari came closer, he did what it said in the book. Smiled seductivley, glancing inapropriatley at her backside and breasts. Temari's face fumed. **

**'Hey baby, how about-' Deidara was cut off with a whack to the face with Temari's fan. **

**'THATs for kidnapping by little brother! **_**-whack­**_**- Thats for making pervy chat up lines with me **_**-whack- **_**Thats for trying to blow up Suna **_**-whack- **_**and THATS for looking like a fucking female!'**

**Temari turned on her heel and marched back to her hometown. Deidara groaned and massaged his bruises on his face. He threw the book to the ground, growling. **


End file.
